If Only
by Era Telris
Summary: House gets a letter from a relative, and takes up the invitation just for the hell of it. Greatest debate ever results. Takes place around Season 1 & 2 for both shows.


"You're doing what?"

Gregory House smacked the bottom of his cane while it hung on a coat rack, catching it in mid-air and poked it at Foreman's direction.

"I'm being loaned out. They've even got a payment plan with competitive interest."

Cameron waved the sheaf of papers in her hands, pursing her lips. "This has terms like 'indefinite period of time' and 'clause in case of death'!" House kept moving, motioning with his head to Wilson, a distraction would be helpful. He stopped short when Chase bodily blocked his way.

"Chase." The blond stepped sideways to block him again when he tried to detour.

"House."

"I understand your commendable lifelong dream to become Superman, or try to, but that Reeve has got it down like no otha homedawg, foshizzle?" Chase looked down at his hands at his hips and abruptly put his arms to the side. Foreman shook his head.

"What?" House found himself thoroughly corralled by his team and best friend.

Wilson crossed his arms. "And when were you going to tell me about this 'classified trip'?"

House took hold of Wilson's head and laid a smacking kiss on his forehead. "Don't wait up, hon, hubby's going on a business trip with a questionably too bubble-headed and way sexier-than-you secretary."

Cameron looked at Chase. "He's delirious." Before Foreman could get sedatives, Cuddy clapped a hand onto House's shoulder turning and ushering him towards the elevator.

"Why are still here? God knows how much you have to pack, experience and savor before you never see it again. If you're late... well, then the airforce has guns and are less considerate than a usual flight attendent."

House turned back to frown before being shoved through the metal doors. "Gugh." Who knew that Cuddy had such freaky strength in such spindly arms? His team gaped at the sight of the Dean hugging the diagnostician. "Eew, now I got cooties."

A week ago. Cameron was tossed the bundle of mail that House never opened and found a letter rather than the usual junk mail. A hand-written letter. With government stamps and the airforce insignia.

House turned around. There was a break in the routine. He reviewed the steps. Tossed Cameron junk mail, check; started berating Foreman on coffee, check; ruffled Chase with a pretty boy comment, he made two. Then Cameron was supposed to complain, empty box. He snatched out the letter she held in her hand.

"Who's John Sheppard?" She asked, House stared at the letter, shocked enough to answer.

"My cousin."

Foreman looked up from a file. "You have a cousin?"

House widened his eyes. "Of course not. Merely a fragment of schizophrenia, been skipping on the pills lately, don't like it when they're not metallic fuschia." He whipped around and opened the envelope. Then whipped back after a few moments and limped out the glass doors. "Foreman's in charge."

Nobody heard from him for five days. House dropped off the face of the earth. Rather he was in it, under a mountain.

"You can't possibly be considering sending a world-renowned handicapped man to Atlantis!" Major General Jack O'Neill raised an eyebrow at Major Gibson's outburst. "People will ask questions, people will die without him."

"People die at Atlantis as well, they will die if the Wraith reach Earth. The Wraith will reach the Earth if the Atlantis expedition dies, the Atlantis expedition will die if they get sick and don't get cured. Following me here? I got highlighted notes you can borrow." Gibson sputtered some more but knew when to concede defeat, especially when Dr. House entered the room.

"My ears are burning. Where're the alien plagues."

O'Neill snorted and replied dryly, "Hopefully not here." House nodded and slapped his cane onto the briefing table.

Three months later.

"No! You idiot if you want your scientists to die from some inane viral or bacterial infection DON'T keep up with vaccinations."

"Hmm, vaccinations don't really do anything when the city dies meaning ALL of us die."

Major Lorne watched his CO lean against a table watching with a small grin.

"So… popcorn?" Colonel Sheppard nodded.

"Stackhouse went to get it."

Most entertaining event, rant debates between House and McKay.


End file.
